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Sometimes One of You, Acting Alone, Can Make All the Difference in Creating a Successful Relationship.
Conflicts and periods of doubt can arise in even the strongest
of relationships. Two people who attempt to create a relationship always bring their own issues, backgrounds, expectations, personalities, and inner difficulties into the interplay that occurs between them. It is not at all unusual that the two people might find themselves, at times, in a deadlock. They see no way to break the impasse and to recapture the spirit of good will that they once had and would like to have again.
Each party's personal conflicts come into play and stifle the communication, sharing and love that seems necessary to harmonious interaction.
Rather than confronting our own part in the problem, we may resort to blaming our partner - "If only she (or he) would change, then we could be happy."
While it is ideal for the two partners to agree mutually that
there is a problem that needs to be confronted and to
show an equal amount of motivation in solving the problem in
relationship therapy, this goal is not always achievable. The reality of the situation is that one of the partners may not be ready to
work on the problem - and the reason for this may be perfectly
valid. For example, one partner may fear that working on the
relationship could bring up other problems. Or one of the partners may feel inadequate in talking about relationship issues and
may have fears of being attacked if he or she were to try relationship therapy (although this is, in reality, a highly unlikely
event). Or perhaps the partner feels unable to make the changes
which have been called for in the past. Commonly, one of the
partners just doesn't see that there is a problem, and therefore
fails to see his or her contribution to the difficulties.
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Whatever the reason, there are times when one partner is simply not
ready to work mutually on the relationship. This is a fact
which must be accepted. But it does not mean that the relationship is doomed. Rather than condemning our partner for
his or her inability to work on the relationship, it is far more
productive to show respect for our partner's view and to take
matters for bettering the relationship into our own hands.
There is a great deal that one partner, acting alone, can do to
create a relationship which is happier and more fulfilling for
both parties.
Working alone on a relationship problem can mean that
we have to take a look at our own issues and our
contribution to the difficulties with our partner. While this
challenge is not always easy, the payoff in terms of our own
emotional wellness can be enormous, both for our own
future personal happiness and for the success of our relationship. Working solo on a relationship may mean coming to
terms with the anger we have fostered (perhaps for years),
taking responsibility for our own happiness, breaking out of
our old ways of seeing the world, changing our expectations
about how we should live everyday, and accepting the good
in our relationship as being good enough. It may mean letting go of some of our most entrenched behaviors. We may
even find that letting go can bring us tremendous rewards
that we never expected.
Think of a relationship as a system with two parts which
strives to achieve balance. It can be compared to a seesaw. When one of the partners makes a shift, the other partner has to make a comparable shift to maintain the balance.
This often works negatively. For example, if Chris reminds
Michael to take out the trash, Michael, feeling controlled,
might back off and stop communicating. In turn, Chris then
criticizes Michael even further for breaking off communication - and Michael retreats even further. A balance is
achieved in this case with a pattern of blame and withdrawal. How can the balance shift in a more positive direction?
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