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Loss Brings Pain - But Opens the Door to Gain
L
oss is embedded in the process of living. It happens to
everyone and it is inevitable. There is no such thing as
constant gain in our lives. Despite our wish to live in the
security of abundance and perfect health, we necessarily
must lose something. Indeed, time itself will eventually create loss. We come into this world with everything to gain
and leave it with everything to lose. And in between we go
through a series of gains and losses. Learning to accept both
is a sign of wellness, maturity - and even wisdom.
Losses can be catastrophic, such as the death of a partner,
parent, child or close friend, or they can be minimal,
such as losing a favorite houseplant or finding the first dent
in your new car. Obviously, we usually accept minor losses
quite well, but major losses can rule our lives for years with
feelings of helplessness, confusion and overwhelming sadness. If our losses are not handled adaptively, they can drain
us of energy and interfere with our ability to live fully in the
present. If we are not able to process our losses and then let
them go, we can spend our lives under the spell of old issues
and past relationships, living in the past and failing to connect with the experiences of the present.
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There are many reasons why we may find it difficult to
deal with losses. In the first place, contemporary society
does not prepare us with adequate rituals and support to help
people handle loss. We focus on gaining, acquisition and the
promise of the future - and there is little social support for
grieving loss and letting go. Indeed, we often avoid those
who suffer loss just at the time they need the most support.
On a more personal level, we may have difficulty in coping
with loss because we never gained the tools in childhood for
accepting loss. If we have problems with self-esteem, unresolved anger, jealousy, depression, excessive dependency, or
poor interpersonal boundaries, we may find it difficult to
shoulder loss. When we experience a series of losses without
resolving them as they come along, it may be difficult to
handle yet another one.
We face numerous losses throughout the course of our
lives. Some of our losses are built into the normal developmental milestones that are an expected part of the
life process. Humans feel impelled to move on, to
explore, to grow. But each time we move on to a new
phase of life, we must lose something of the old.
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