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Some people are easy to be around and some are not. All
of us seem to have at least a few difficult people in our
lives. Difficult people can range from those who are a mild
annoyance to those who can make life seem
nearly intolerable at times. Those at this negative end of the continuum, especially if we
have contact with them on a daily basis, can
jeopardize our mental and emotional wellness
over time - particularly if we lack the tools
for responding to them in an adaptive way.
There is no single, easily described category of difficult
people. A person who presents difficulty for one person
may not be at all difficult for someone else. We all know
friends who get along well with our "enemies" and we may
not understand how this can be. Indeed, we may feel
betrayed by our friends who are able to tolerate someone
who makes us feel uncomfortable. Our perception of who is
difficult may reflect more about ourselves - our own needs
and tolerances - than about the other person. Dealing with
those we find difficult can present a personal challenge
which invites us to look within and to develop more positive
coping responses.
What contributes to smooth interactions between people? When we come into contact with another person,
we engage in a process known as role-taking. That is, we
look for cues from the other person (their way of dressing,
their nonverbal cues, the way they talk, what they talk about,
etc.). We put ourselves into their shoes, so to speak. And,
using these cues as our guide, we try to respond to them in a
way which will yield a productive, harmonious, conflict-free
social exchange.
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Depending on the cues we perceive from
the other person, we act just a little different around each
person with whom we have contact - and this is adaptive.
Our behaviors in the presence of our primary partner are different from our behaviors at work. Similarly, we wouldn't
talk to strangers in the same way that we talk to our closest
friends. (Some would pose the question: "But aren't we then
playing games around different people?" Not at all. The
adaptive person can draw on a repertoire of different sorts of
behaviors, depending on the circumstances, without compromising his or her authenticity. People who act the same in all
situations may have trouble reading appropriate cues or may lack a varied set of behavioral responses. If conscious
games are being played, of course, then a serious problem exists in the interaction.)
Sometimes, however, the role-taking process breaks
down - and this may be due to a number of reasons.
- In the first place, the other person may give conflicting cues so that it is difficult to know just how
to respond appropriately. For example, one would
hardly know how to respond to a person who seems
friendly and approachable, but who then proceeds
to insult you.
- Or, we may not be able to read cues accurately from
the other person. Does this person remind you of a
childhood friend who caused you unbearable
anguish years ago? If so, our responses toward this
person may be colored by our own hurt feelings, and
this may sabotage an adaptive interaction.
- Similarly, sometimes there is simply an inexplicable
conflict between personalities. Just as we use the
notion of "chemistry" to explain why two people are
attracted to each other, we can use the same idea to
explain why some people are unable to tolerate each
other. The "chemistry" is just not right.
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