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One characteristic of growing up in a dysfunctional household is that people never leam to process their anger adaptively as a problem-solving tool, and in the verbally abusive household this anger may erupt as uncontrolled rage. Words which are very damaging, but which usually have no basis in reality, are hurled at the victim. The victim is left confused, hurt, and in need of retreat from the painful interaction.

     Children need to be taught that they can stand up to violence. They can learn that it takes more courage to resist violence than to succumb to it. They should learn that name-calling, bullying and threats can set the scene for violent outcomes, but that they can stand up to this in a firm and calm way if it happens to them.

The Regret Stage: Once things calm down, the victim feels distanced from the abuser and the abuser feels remorseful. The abuser may promise never to lose control again and then makes an extraordinary effort to win back the approval of the victim. The more distant and self-protective the victim is from the abuser, the more the abuser becomes conciliatory. The abuser uses all of his or her charm to make things right again, and because he or she is in the controlling role, is usually successful. This honeymoon stage lasts until tension begins to build up again - and the cycle is repeated. Unfortunately, over time the cycle can repeat itself more rapidly and usually with greater intensity - with the abuser taking less and less, or no, responsibility for the pattern.

     Verbal abuse is often difficult to recognize, mainly because living in such a relationship involves denial, rationalization and other distortions of reality. If you feel that you may be the victim of verbal abuse, check off the situations below which may apply to your relationship. If you check at least half of the following statements, you may want to seek a professional consultation to start the process of learning to change the situation.

Does your partner frequently...

• present a positive face to the world but negative behaviors at home?
• seem to pick a fight just when you are getting closer?
• complain about how badly you treat him or her?
• ridicule you and then tell you it's a joke?
• threaten to leave or to throw you out of the house?
• drive you into a rage and then blame you for getting angry?
• manipulate you with lies?
• accuse you of having affairs?
• create "double bind" situations (where you're damned if you do and damned if you don't)?
• use alcohol or drugs, and things get worse at those times?
• make you go out and socialize, even when you don't want to?
• come alive during an argument, while you just get drained?
• consistently promise never to hurt you again?
• leave you stranded with no way to get home?
• twist your words and blame you for things you had no intention of saying?
• start arguments after you have been intimate with each other?
• criticize you and call you names?
• complain about the way you talk and dress?
• threaten to hurt you or leave?
• humiliate you privately or in public?
• ignore your feelings?

     If you recognize yourself as engaging in any form of abusive behavior toward your partner, you probably feel stuck in a vicious cycle. There is a way out. It begins with heightened self-awareness, a willingness to accept responsibility for behavior choices and a sincere desire to change. Seek help at once.

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This newsletter is intended to offer general information only and recognizes that individual issues may differ from these broad guidelines. Personal issues should be addressed within a therapeutic context with a professional familiar with the details of the problems.

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