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     There is great instability and interpersonal boundaries are poor. The children are often verbally battered so that they grow up with unresolved anger and a negative image of themselves.

     People who grow up in this sort of household sometimes find themselves in a verbally abusive relationship in adulthood. The abuser is charming at first and the victim is eager to please. Neither party is clear about his or her own boundaries, so the abuser feels justified in imposing anger on the victim while the victim in turn tries to win love and approval - often by accepting blame and adjusting his or her reality to conform to what the abuser demands.

     The agenda for the victim is to be loved by taking care of the abuser. The agenda for the abuser is to control the victim into taking care of him or her. And both parties want to end the pain associated with negative self-esteem. The victim seeks to win approval, which provides some semblance of self-esteem. The abuser, who also suffers from damaged self-esteem, sees him or herself as the victim and uses power and control over others as a way to survive in what he or she sees as a threatening world.

     Verbal abuse can almost always be seen as a control issue. Ironically, it is the abuser who sees him or herself as the victim. Thus, the abuser feels the need to control the partner in order to allay his or her own insecurities.

     The victim, hoping for closeness and approval, goes along with the control and may accept blame for causing the problems. In a sense, roles, then become confused - the abuser is the victim and the victim is the abuser. The situation becomes murky and perpetuates the conditions which breed abuse.

     To confront verbal abuse we need to become aware of the conditions which lead to abuse.

Blaming: The verbal abuser will accuse the partner of inciting trouble. "Dear, let's talk about who will drive the kids to practice tomorrow."

"You're always planning out my life! Can't you just give me a break once in a while?" (Notice here how the abuser feels like the victim.)

Denial: The abuser claims that the reality of the partner is invalid. "Hon, remember when we were talking about taking a weekend just for ourselves?"

"We never talked about that. You're making it up."

Discounting: Similar to denial, discounting trivializes the feelings of the partner. "Larry, I don't like it when we fight like this."

"You're just too sensitive, always making problems when you could just leave well enough alone." (Notice that the abuser retains the control, especially if the partner then goes along with his suggestions.)

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This newsletter is intended to offer general information only and recognizes that individual issues may differ from these broad guidelines. Personal issues should be addressed within a therapeutic context with a professional familiar with the details of the problems.

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