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Manipulation
in Relationships - And How To Deal With It
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We are all vulnerable to being manipulated in
relationships, whether between romantic partners, friends, parents, children, employers,
coworkers, or neighbors. When we allow another person
to manipulate us, we are colluding with their desire to
control our feelings, motives, and even our thoughts
through deceptive, exploitative, and unfair means. A
manipulative relationship is one-sided and unbalanced,
advancing the goals of the manipulator at the expense
of the person being manipulated. These relationships
become troubled over time. If you want to change this
kind of relationship, you must first recognize the features
of manipulation and then look within to understand your
contribution to the manipulation. There are effective
ways to stand up to manipulation and bring balance back
into the relationship.
Manipulation is not the same as influence. We all use
influence with other people to advance our goals, and
this is one of the hallmarks of healthy social functioning.
Influence recognizes the rights and boundaries of other
people, and it is based on direct, honest communication.
Influence is one way we have of functioning effectively
in the world. Influence recognizes the integrity of the
other person, including the right not to go along with the
attempted persuasion. Manipulation, on the other hand,
depends on covert agendas and an attempt to coerce
another person into giving in. Even though it may appear
that the manipulator is strong and in control, there is usually insecurity under the facade. The tendency to exploit
others and disregard their rights is a sign of unhealthy
personality functioning. In fact, people who manipulate
others have difficulty in maintaining good interpersonal
relationships.
Those who manipulate other people are good at spotting people to control. If they feel unable to manipulate
someone, they usually give up and move on to somebody
else who is more likely to be receptive to the attempted
manipulation. Once you recognize the features of the
manipulation, the next step in correcting the situation is to discover your own contribution to the problem. (This
statement may seem a bit difficult to accept. After all,
it's the manipulator who has the problem, you might
say. But realize that manipulation cannot occur in a vacuum. As is true of any relationship, it takes two people.)
You can come to understand your contribution to the
manipulative situation and then take steps to correct it.
Here are some common traits of those who are vulnerable to manipulators -
You feel useful and loved only when you can
take care of the needs of other people. This
goes beyond being nice to other people. Your
sense of worth is tied up in doing things for
other people. In fact, you take this so far that
you please other people at the expense of your
own well-being. For example, you might buy
something especially nice for your partner or a
friend when you would never spend that kind
of money on yourself. Manipulators are drawn
to this type of person and have no qualms about
taking advantage of this particular personality
trait.
You need to have the approval and acceptance of other people. Although most people appreciate
being accepted, a problem occurs when you
feel that you must be accepted by everyone at
all times. The core problem here is the fear of
being rejected or abandoned - and it is so strong
that you would do anything to avoid the feelings
associated with this fear. The manipulator works
by giving you the acceptance that you need
- and then threatening to withdraw it.
You fear expressing negative emotions. Although
expressing anger and engaging in a conflict
are never pleasant, some people will go to any
length to avoid a confrontation. They want
things to be pleasant at all times. They fear
that they will fall apart in the face of negative
emotions. Manipulators have an easy task in this
kind of relationship - all they have to do is to
threaten to raise their voice, and then they get
their way.
You are unable to say no. One of the characteristics of a healthy relationship is appropriate
boundaries that clarify who you are and what
you stand for. In order to maintain healthy
boundaries, however, you must sometimes say
no when someone attempts to push your limits.
If you are afraid of the conflict that may arise
when you say no, you play into the hands of the
manipulator. Learning effective assertiveness
techniques is a way to regain your sense of
control in a manipulative relationship.
You lack a firm sense of your own self. A clear
sense of self means that you know what your values are, who you are, what you stand for,
and where you begin and the other person
ends. If you have an unclear sense of self, it is
difficult to trust your own judgment or to make
decisions that work in your favor. Without a clear
definition of your self, you may be an easy target
for a manipulator.
If you are in a manipulative relationship, it is helpful to recognize the personal tendencies that allow the
other person to assert control over you. You can come to
understand and explore these safely with the support of
a professionally trained therapist. While you may not be
able to change the behavior of the manipulator, you can
change your own responses to attempts at manipulation
so that you achieve a firmer sense of your own integrity.
The unhappiness resulting from a manipulative relationship can lead to life-changing experiences that generate
insight and the ability to cope more effectively with the
demands of everyday living.
The Manipulator's Tactics
Manipulation in a relationship usually progresses over a
long period of time. Manipulators learn over time how
far they can go. They are unlikely to attempt to manipulate the other person at the beginning of a relationship
since this could bring things to an immediate end. They
observe the other person's vulnerabilities and learn eventually how to exploit them for their own purposes.
There are two basic tactics that are used to exert control,
and they usually go hand in hand. The first is a promise
of gain. That is, the manipulator will promise to provide something if the partner goes along with what the
manipulator wants. "I promise - no arguments for a week
if you'll end your friendship with Pat." The other tactic is
the promise of avoiding loss. In this case, the manipulator threatens the partner with the loss of something if the
partner does not go along with the manipulator's desires.
"I'm going to stay out with my friends late every night
unless this house is cleaned spic and span by the time
I get home." (Of course, these two examples are obvious manipulation attempts. Most manipulators use more
subtle methods than we see in these examples.)
Manipulative people have a strong need to be in control.
This may derive from underlying feelings of insecurity
on their part, although they often compensate for these
feelings with a show of strong self-confidence. Even
though they may deny it, their motives are self-serving,
and they pursue their aims regardless of the cost to other
people. They have a strong need to feel superior and
powerful in their relationships - and they find people
who will validate these feelings by going along with their
attempts at manipulation. They see power as finite. If you
exert power over them, they will retaliate in order to gain
back the control they feel they are losing. They cannot
understand the idea that everyone can feel empowered
or that everyone can gain. When they are not in control
of themselves and over other people - they feel threatened. They have difficulty in showing vulnerable emotions because it might suggest they are not in control.
Those who are manipulative usually don't consciously
plan their maneuvers. They emerge from the manipulator's underlying personality disorder, and are played out
within the context of a victim who colludes with, and
unwittingly encourages, the manipulation. There is a
wide range of tactics used by manipulators ranging from
verbal threats to subtle attempts to arrange situations to
suit the manipulator. For example, one of the more common forms of manipulation is called splitting - turning
two people against each other by talking to each one
behind the back of the other, getting them to dislike or
distrust each other, and leaving the manipulator in a
position of control. They may use active techniques like
becoming angry, lying, intimidating, shouting, name-calling or other bullying tactics. Or they may use more
passive methods like pouting, sulking, ignoring you, or
giving you the silent treatment.
Some Ground Rules for Dealing with Manipulation
Focus on changing yourself, not the manipulator. It is not helpful to try to outmanipulate a skillful
manipulator - you are simply making yourself
vulnerable to further manipulation. You will not
change a manipulator by focusing on his or her
imperfections and trying to work toward their
achieving insight. You may think that it would
be helpful to share with the manipulator how
you feel and how his or her behavior has an
impact on you - but this is generally not helpful
since most manipulators are not capable of
empathy and may use this information against
you in the future. The only effective method of
changing manipulative behavior is to disable
it by making a change within yourself, thereby
changing the dynamics of the manipulative
relationship. If you cease to cooperate with the
manipulative tactics, you will alter the nature of
the relationship. If manipulators have to work
hard to maintain control in the relationship,
they usually give up - often by leaving the
relationship and finding someone else to control.
Assess the worth of this relationship to you. Depending on the severity of the manipulation
and the damage it has done to your sense
of happiness and integrity, you may need to
consider whether it is worth it to continue
the relationship. Of course, there are many
situations (parent/child, for example) when you
must stay in the relationship, so it is helpful at
least to achieve some clarity about what you
want in your life and assess how the relationship
has the potential to lead you toward your
personal goals.
Use assertiveness techniques to change the
nature of the relationship. You might
be so accustomed to complying with the
manipulator's tactics that you automatically
do his or her bidding without thinking about
it. First, you need to stop your automatic
compliance. You do this by buying time to
think about each situation as it arises. "I'll get
back to you on that when I have the time to
think about it." At this point you are now in
control of the situation. It is not helpful to let
the manipulator ask you why you need time
since this invites your loss of control. Simply
repeat the same thing over and over again
without explanation. "I need more time to think
about it." Next, you need to confront the fear,
anxiety or guilt that has driven you to comply
in the past with the manipulator's demands.
This requires a deep look within that may
be achieved by working with a professional
therapist. Exploring your own personal
feelings, why you react as you do, and how
to use alternate responses may be a challenge,
but the benefits are far-reaching - and they
may save your relationship, or at least prepare
you for healthier relationships in the future.
Finally, you might label the manipulation for
what it is. "When you threaten to leave me
I feel afraid. If you would simply state your
wishes and show me respect, I would be more
able to listen to what you want." In a calm
voice and with direct eye contact, it may be
time to announce that the old manipulations
have come to an end. "We both understand
that you have a pattern of playing on my fears,
and now you know how I feel about that.
Your way of threatening me is not going to
work any longer." In making these types of
assertive statements, you are defining your
boundaries. There is no need to make threats.
Simply state that you will not participate any
longer in manipulations. Make it clear that by
setting limits and enhancing your own personal
integrity, you expect a better relationship in
the future. Learning to assert yourself in the
face of a manipulative individual who feels
threatened when not in control is a challenge,
and doing this with the help of a professional
therapist is recommended.
Are You in a Manipulative Relationship?
Answer the following questions with a True or False.
_____ I sometimes feel confused about what my
partner really wants.
_____ I feel that my partner frequently takes
advantage of my giving nature.
_____ Even when I do something that pleases
my partner, the positive feelings never
last long.
_____ With my partner I feel that it's hard just
to be myself or do what I really want.
_____ Around my partner, I feel taken for
granted.
_____ I seem to work harder on this relationship than my partner does.
_____ My partner has a very strong impact on
what I think and feel.
_____ I sometimes feel that I am trapped in my
relationship and there is no way out.
_____ I don't feel as good about myself in my
relationship as I once did.
_____ I feel that I need my partner more than my
partner needs me.
_____ No matter how much I have done, I feel that
it's not good enough for my partner.
_____ I feel that my partner does not understand
who I really am.
There are twelve questions in this quiz.
If you answered more than half of them
with True, you might want to consider
exploring whether you are in a
manipulative relationship.
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