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 Have you ever heard yourself say, "I'm a
nice person. I'm a polite person. I'd never
intentionally do anything to hurt anybody. So why
don't other people give me the respect I deserve?"
The problem could well be due to difficulty with assertiveness. Maybe you aren't showing your nice, polite, and
respectful qualities to other people. Unless they can see
who you truly are, underneath it all, other people might
not know how you expect to be treated. And this can lead
to some unhappy experiences.
At the heart of assertiveness (also known as assertion) is your ability to know who you are and what you
stand for - and then to express these
qualities effectively in everyday interactions with other people.
Expressing yourself effectively involves maintaining respect for the
rights and feelings
of others. Assertion
is not aggression.
People who are assertive know that they can deal with
the world much more effectively if they do not resort to
violence or other aggressive responses. In many ways,
assertiveness is the exact opposite of aggression - assertion enhances constructive communication and cooperation between people, while aggression shuts it down. And
assertion is not manipulation. Most people are aware,
at some level, when they are being manipulated - it can
lead to distrust and a lack of respect, for both parties.
Manipulation involves hiding behind a mask. Assertion
means tearing off the mask and happily announcing to the world who you truly are. Assertion is reality-tested
freedom.
We see instances of nonassertive behavior around us
everyday. Most people who lack an assertive style
are simply those who want to keep the peace. For the
most part, they want goodness and cooperation between
people. However, they often pay a high price for this in
terms of functioning effectively in the world.
There are many negative consequences associated
with the nonassertive style. For example, those who
are not assertive allow their feelings and boundaries
to be violated by others. They believe that they do not
have the right to their own feelings, beliefs or opinions
- and even if they do, they have difficulty in expressing
them in a self-affirming way. They may feel that asserting their thoughts will lead to rejection or even being
attacked. They frequently feel that it is better to withhold their ideas rather than cause a conflict. Nonassertive people may feel guilty when they have to say "No."
They often allow others to make decisions for them and
may assume that others will care for their needs. They
may place the needs of others above their own. Nonassertive people are easily victimized by others.
The consequences for choosing to be nonassertive are
costly. People feel hurt and mistreated when their
needs are not met - yet those who are nonassertive do
little to meet these needs themselves. They may store
up negative feelings and then harbor anger. Their sense
of efficacy in the world is diminished, and then they
complain about how unfair the world is to them. This
approach toward the world may lead to depression, poor
self-esteem, anxiety, isolation, and anger. There are better alternatives.
Oearning to be more assertive involves examining
several dimensions of your life -
Self Esteem:
How you define yourself, positively or negatively, depends on the messages you've
heard from others throughout your life. We internalize the things we've heard about ourselves from other
people, and this becomes the basis of our self-esteem,
which can be either mostly positive or mostly negative.
If we see ourselves in a negative light, we may feel that
we are not worthy of speaking up for what we want
- and this can lead to nonassertion as a lifestyle. People
who work on their assertiveness skills have to look
deeply within to assess their self-esteem and see what
they can do to create a more positive definition of themselves. They find things about themselves that they like.
They might practice saying affirmations to themselves
(affirmations are sayings, such as "I like myself more
and more each day") until they become a reality and
replace the old negative messages they may have heard during their lives. They may have conversations with
people in which they talk about their positive qualities
and maintain a positive tone throughout the conversation.
Turning an old legacy of negativity into a present
sense of positive feelings takes some work, persistence, and motivation, but the rewards are enormous.
One day you realize that you like who you are, and you
are willing to let the world know this. (This does not
imply that you are working toward conceit or a superior, condescending attitude - you are simply working
to repair old negative messages that have held you back
in the past. You are working toward balance.) Assertion requires positive self-esteem. Once you feel good
about yourself, you can then go out into the world with
a healthy sense of pride and assertively deal with the
many experiences and people who come your way.
Communication patterns:
Good communication requires the ability to listen to others and to express your thoughts and feelings while you
maintain respect for other people. It involves the ability
to express your ideas clearly and effectively. Assertion
does not involve blaming the other person or putting
them down. There is no room for sarcasm when communicating assertively. Assertive speaking often involves
the use of "I" statements - that is, you talk about how
you feel about something without attacking the other
person (for example, you might say, "I feel uncomfortable when you talk about Mary that way," but you would
not say, "You make me feel uncomfortable when you
gossip about Mary"). Assertiveness does not aim to put
the other person into a defensive stance, but rather opens
communication patterns between people. When speaking assertively, your voice is well modulated and warm
and produced at normal volume. Your flow of words
is even and conversational. Your voice is relaxed - for
example, you might say, "This steak is well done and I
asked for medium rare," in the same tone that you might
use to comment on how blue the sky seems today. And,
of course, your nonverbal cues should be consistent with
your verbal communication. For example, the statement,
"I'm not angry," would not be uttered through gritted
teeth and flared nostrils.
Relaxation:
Many nonassertive people complain that they fall apart emotionally when they get into
confrontations or other stressful situations. They feel as if their emotions are out of control - tense posture,
no eye contact, quavering voice, disjointed thoughts. It
is helpful to realize that stress in social encounters is a
learned response. You learn to be tense in certain situations. Similarly, you can learn, through practice, to
be relaxed in these situations so that your predominant
response becomes relaxation rather than stress. There
are several techniques for learning to relax, such as
deep breathing, meditation, deep muscle relaxation, and
desensitization. Many therapists are able to teach these
simple, but effective, methods as part of psychotherapy.
Authenticity:
Learning to become assertive is not just an exercise in discovering appropriate
responses to uncomfortable social situations. Rather,
it mirrors a personal process of self-discovery that is
often aided by working with a therapist. The goal is reach your authentic self, your integrity, or your genuine core. This process involves examining your life
objectively, understanding what the various forces
and experiences are that made you who you are today.
It involves self-acceptance. It may involve forgiving
those who have been unfair to you - or not. At some
point in the process of self-discovery, you acknowledge
the imperfections within yourself and other people, and
you accept them. You begin to know who you are and
what you like and dislike. And, in a comfortable and
undemanding way, you want to share all of this with
the world.
When you can comfortably share your authentic
self with the world around you, with integrity
and respect for the rights and wholeness of other people, you are truly asserting yourself.
Some Everyday
Assertiveness Tips
Recognize that people are responsible for
their own behavior.
It is not helpful to blame other people when they choose
not to do things that you need or want. You can assertively tell another person what you feel about a situation,
but then it is the other person's choice to go along with
what you want - or not. This is your way of showing
others that you respect them, and they, in turn, will
probably show you respect as well - or not, but then we
accept the consequences.
Let other people know exactly what you
want without making vague requests.
State your full position when conveying your wishes to
others. Other people are not mind-readers, even if you
are close to them. It may seem easier sometimes to drop
a hint and hope the other person guesses what you want,
but this leads to confusion and unmet expectations. If
you are specific and clear in your communication, others don't have to play a guessing game and they will
know exactly how you feel about a situation. And this
allows them to make an appropriate response.
Speak up when you have strong feelings
about an issue.
It is not necessary to have an opinion on everything, and
sometimes the mature response is simply to be quiet.
However, when the price to be paid for remaining silent
is anger, unhappiness or resentment, it is far better to air
your opinion.
Take time out if you need to contain your
anger.
Sometimes we find ourselves getting angry during a
conversation. Rather than undermining our true goal of
bringing about a constructive resolution to our differences with other people, it may be more helpful to take
some time out to collect our thoughts so that our position can be presented more effectively. This is not the
same as cutting off another person emotionally, which
is a destructive tactic.
Think through your arguments before presenting them.
We sometimes get so lost in the trivial details that we
forget the main points of our arguments. Think through
the issues and get down to the core points that you
want to make. You want to present your argument
clearly so that the other person has a chance of understanding it. The other person will be much more willing to listen if your ideas are presented in an organized
and consistent manner.
Recognize that people are different and are
entitled to their own point of view.
Open yourself up to hearing
what the other
person has to
say. This does
not mean that
you necessarily
have to agree with an alternative viewpoint,
but it is helpful to realize that two
different positions can exist at the same time. If one
person is right, the other is not necessarily wrong.
How to Deal Assertively with Insults
All of us have had the experience of being
insulted, and it is most uncomfortable.
An insult can easily mess up your day, if not
your week. Insulting another person is a form
of aggression (unless, of course, it can clearly
be defined as banter between trusted friends).
When you are insulted, you may silently punish
yourself for leaving yourself open to the putdown. Or you may even agree with the insult as
if it had validity ("Yes, I should take the tape
off these glasses"). Some of us simply cringe
occasionally when we remember the put-down
and think of it as one of our bad memories. A
few lucky people seem to be able to let it go and
move on.
Let's say that someone gives you a verbal
insult. In some ways, this type of insult,
though painful, is the easiest to deal with
because everything is out in the open. For example, you accidentally step on someone's foot in a
crowd, and, to your horror, you hear in an angry
voice, "You jerk, can't you watch where you're
walking?" What is the best way to handle this?
First, let the person vent. They are probably having a hard time, and they might be phobic in
crowds. So give the person that much. Then, verbally acknowledge the person's feelings - "Oh,
I'm sorry. You must have felt as if I did that on
purpose and it upset you." Admit when you have
done something wrong, even if it is accidental and
you receive an insult. Now it's time to be assertive. In a calm voice and with good eye contact,
say, "I would appreciate it, however, if you would
not call me names in front of other people or
shout at me, even if you are upset. I can understand your point without that kind of behavior."
And then bring the encounter to an end.
Sometimes insults are nonverbal. This can be
seen with the rolling of the eyes, the silent
chuckle as you are talking, pouting, obscene gestures, staring off into space, sighing. This type of
insult is more difficult to handle because it is easily denied or it could simply be a mannerism of
the other person. The aim in this case is to bring
the nonverbal communication into the verbal
realm. "Did I say something to offend you?" "I
am having difficulty understanding your gesture.
Could you please explain what you mean?" It is
fair to you to get feedback if you have indeed
said or done something to offend the other person.
But now the confrontation is in the verbal realm,
and the assertive responses appropriate to verbal
insults can be applied.
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