|
 The
way the world treats us is greatly influenced by the way we see ourselves.
We have all known people who genuinely like themselves and feel content
with their lives. Because they see the positive in themselves, they
are able to understand and appreciate the good in other people. They
treat others with a sense of respect - a skill they know well because
this is how they treat themselves. When our feelings about ourselves
are positive, we show others that we like and value ourselves - and
then others tend to treat us well. But when we have negative feelings
about ourselves, so that we are too critical, complaining and pessimistic,
others tend to take this attitude toward us as well. How we treat ourselves
helps determine how others will likely treat us.
The
thoughts we have about ourselves, or how we define ourselves, contribute
to our self-image. The feelings we have about these thoughts, whether
these feelings are good or bad, are the building blocks of our self-esteem.
Our self-image, and gradually our self- esteem, can be molded by our
parents, family, friends, physical or intellectual abilities, education,
and jobs. Just as we have definitions for most things in the world,
we also have definitions of ourselves. We come to define ourselves the
way others define us. Thus, if others treat us with love, kindness,
and as if we are special and unique people, then we will eventually
define ourselves in this way as well. On the other hand, if other people
treat us as if we are a bother to have around and not worth much, then
we will also come to see ourselves in this way.
Some
people confuse healthy positive self-esteem with audacity or arrogance,
a false sense of superiority over other people. True self-esteem means
that we do not have to assert ourselves at the expense of other people.
Indeed, it is those with underlying negative self-esteem who must resort
to the tactic of exaggerating their own worth, usually by putting other
people down. Those with positive self-esteem can acknowledge their own
worth at the same time that they validate the positive qualities of
others.
Self-Esteem
and Therapy
One
of the things that therapy does best is to address issues of self-esteem.
Many of us are wounded, in one way or another, by the way we were treated
as we grew up. As adults it becomes our responsibility to put closure
on the damage inflicted on us by others and to move on with our lives
in a healthy way. Therapy can point out the ways in which we engage
in destructive patterns of behavior. It allows us to explore why we
punish ourselves and see ourselves as being less than other people.
We have the ability to change our negative self-esteem tendencies and
to replace them with self-nurturing, self-encouraging, and self-enhancing
behavior. When we begin to treat ourselves in a more positive way,
others pick up on our cues and respond to us in the special way we all
deserve.
Techniques
for Creating Positive Self-Esteem
Work
on Your Private Thoughts.
How
we feel about ourselves privately, whether these feelings are positive
or negative, influences how we interpret our own actions, the decisions
we make in life, the goals we set for ourselves and how we relate to
other people. Negative
internal feelings usually lead to lower expectations and achievements
in life, while positive definitions usually result in brighter outcomes.
Consider some of the ways in which these private, internal thoughts
can be modified.
Examine
your unrealistic expectations.
Negative self-esteem is driven by thoughts
couched in "shoulds," "oughts," and "musts." These words imply that
we should be something other than what we are. A more positive approach
is to replace these words with "wants." Instead of saying self-punitively,
"I should be a better friend," it may be helpful to change the thought
to: "I want to be a better friend."
Accept
the fact that history cannot be changed.
We
often punish ourselves unremittingly for certain regrettable actions
we have taken in the past - and this feeds our negative self-esteem.
But we all make mistakes, and we can learn from them. In fact, the positive
spin on this is that we, as fallible humans, must make mistakes in life
- and perhaps we should be thankful that we have made them, for how
else would we acquire wisdom and learn the route to a happier life? History
cannot be undone, but we can focus on the present and future, drawing
on our power to create the life we choose for ourselves.
Reflect
on the good experiences in your life.
Instead
of dwelling on our flaws, it is more helpful to think about what is
good in our lives. Think about your successes rather than your failures.
We all have life experiences that make us feel good. Define yourself in terms
of these positive experiences. Nearly every negative thought can be turned
into a positive. For example, if you are in a financial crisis, it's not
the end of the world - because now you can get in touch with simpler pleasures
and more meaningful experiences. If a friend has rejected you, you are
now free to spend your time with new, or old, friends who will not treat
you poorly.
Set
positive goals for the future.
Examine
your personal needs, desires, assets and abilities - and think of
how you can use them to achieve the life you want for yourself. Commit
yourself to having the best life you can have - without feeling that
you have to achieve perfection. Make your goals realistic and achievable,
and work toward them, step by step, enjoying the successes and overcoming
the occasional stumbles. Draw on the positive within yourself- with
an awareness of how the old negative tendencies may show themselves.
Setting positive goals draws on, and reinforces, your positive self-esteem
and reminds you of the power you have to set your own course.
Try
these techniques for working on positive thoughts:
- Write
down your negative thoughts. This increases your awareness of them,
and you can discover patterns in your negative thinking. You may also
be able to see what triggers negativity.
- Limit negative thinking.
Whenever you find yourself having negative thoughts, tell yourself,
"Stop!" Say this privately to yourself, or perhaps out loud - or give
yourself a little tap on the wrist as a reminder.
- Replace the negative
with a positive thought - and do this immediately after stopping the
negative thought. (It may take some creativity and effort to learn how
to change negative thoughts into positive ones.)
Diagnose
the Cues which Lead to Negative Self-Esteem
We
have all learned certain responses to triggers that can lead to lowered
or increased self-esteem, but we may not be aware of these triggers.
Identifying the experiences which influence our self-esteem can take
a great deal of work and a genuine commitment to improving the quality
of our lives. A trained therapist can help in the task of identifying
certain themes which we may not be able to discover through our own
efforts. For example, if negative thoughts happen when you spend time
alone, you may be dealing with abandonment issues. If negativity is
triggered when you are criticized, you may have issues surrounding rejection.
If you have negative thoughts in the presence of a person who tends
to dominate and control, the theme may have to do with authority,
judgment and evaluation. When we come to understand these underlying
themes, we can start to view them objectively and get closure on them
so that they no longer have the power to influence our self-esteem.
Take
Good Care of Yourself and Your Appearance
Appreciate
your own individuality, your own combination of strengths and weaknesses
that make you a special person. Without a strong sense of who you
are, it is easy to become vulnerable to others who treat you in a negative
way. Engaging in an exercise program (even if it is only walking twenty
minutes every other day) is a good way not only of taking care of your
body, but in making you and others aware that you value yourself. It
is important to groom yourself well and to wear clothing that brings
out your best qualities. Feeling good about yourself, presenting yourself
to the world in a positive way, and getting positive feedback from other
people is an essential component of developing positive self- esteem.
Examine
Your Relationships with Other People
Improving
one's self-esteem involves engaging in productive and enhancing relationships
with others. There comes a time to examine our destructive relationships
- and this may be difficult since we are drawn toward relationships
which reinforce our old ways of seeing ourselves. Try to understand
how destructive relationships in your life reinforce old negative
self-esteem patterns. And try to change the tone of the relationship
so that positive self-esteem can be expressed by both parties. If
that is not possible, it may be time to end the relationship and move
on to other more productive friendships. Here are a few guidelines for
finding new friendships which have a positive tone:
-
Try to be pleasant with others. Talk to them in a positive way. Show
an interest in them by listening, and share appropriately with them
in a balanced way. Show respect for their boundaries. Let them be
who they choose to be and accept the differences between you.
- Don't
expect everyone to be perfect. They're not.
- Some people will not like
you. Accept this. This is their choice, and you gain nothing by trying
to win their approval.
- Don't talk about problems all the time. Others
usually find it difficult to deal with negative conversation, and
they may avoid you. This reinforces your negative self-esteem. Save
your problem-solving talks for dear and trusted friends- or a therapist.
Learn
to Meet Your Own Needs
Negative
self-esteem leads to doubts about your own ability to take care of life's
problems and challenges. This is why people with negative self-esteem
may be so demanding of others - at a certain level they want others
to come through and take care of their problems for them. People with
negative self-esteem, then, may idealize others and, alternately,
denigrate them. If others help you, you idealize them. If they don't
help, you don't want to waste your time with them. These "all or nothing"
themes appear frequently in the thoughts of those with negative
self-esteem.
A mature adult life requires integrity. While others may assist you here
and there, ultimately you are responsible for meeting your own needs.
Acquiring positive self-esteem is essential to this task. The mature
adult relies on his or her own resources to find ways of meeting such
basic needs as -
· Loving
and being loved. Allowing love into your life is one of the most
important human pursuits. This may come in the form of romantic love,
close friendships or spiritual fulfillment. It helps when we finally
give up the unrealistic demands and expectations that block our ability
to love.
· Having
fun in your life. We need pleasure to function adaptively. Try
to give yourself at least half an hour a day of something that you see
as fun. Indulge yourself in guilt-free pleasure.
· Pursuing
worthwhile work. Balance your fun with work. Work, whether it is
from a paid job or not, gives us a sense of feeling worthwhile and contributing
to the larger social sphere.
· Understanding that you are responsible for your life choices. Your
past does not have to control your future. It is your responsibility
to find love, to feel pleasure, to quest for spiritual fulfillment,
and to do good work.
Some Characteristics
of People with ...
Negative Self-Esteem
·
Blaming others for problems
·
Looking suspiciously at compliments
·
Holding
on to guilt from the past
·
Nagging, judging, and controlling
·
Letting oneself go physically
·
Making decisions based on external
feed-back
·
Avoiding risks, sticking with the known
·
Ridiculing
others when they appear foolish
·
Seeing mistakes as failures, expecting
perfection in others
·
Not dealing well with criticism, getting angry
and defensive
Some Characteristics
of People with ...
Positive Self-Esteem
·
Taking responsibility for one's own feelings and actions
·
Giving and
taking compliments graciously
·
Focused on the present and future
- learning from the past
·
Listening openly to others
·
Taking
good care of body and appearance
·
Making decisions from internal values
·
Taking risks and challenging oneself
·
Laughing at oneself, but
never putting another person down
·
Accepting mistakes as part of
life, open to feedback
·
Listening to criticism without anger, and
not necessarily agreeing with the criticism
|
