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our old definitions of the world, our old ways of doing things, and we are challenged by the process of "letting go".  Endings are difficult for most people, even when we are unhappy with the way things used to be.  The known is more comfortable than the unknown.  Once we let go, however, we enter a period of feeling disconnected from the past but not yet connected to the present - the neutral zone.  This is a time which can engender great self-reflection, an assessment of what we really want out of life, and a time to reorient ourselves toward the future.  Finally, the new beginning completes the successful transition.  This is when we embark on a journey of new priorities and a sense of a renewed future.

     Most of us try to avoid endings - and this may be surprising since endings happen throughout the entire life cycle.  Some people deal with the task of letting go by clinging tenaciously to their old ways of living, forgetting that submitting to loss is a necessary condition for entering into a period of self-renewal.  Think of the parent who is not able to let the children grow up and live independent lives.  This situation can cause substantial conflict, both for the children and the parent.  People sometimes think that if they can hold on to their old ways, they can avoid the pain of change - but in reality more pain occurs by holding on.  In contrast, other people deal with the difficulty of endings by dismissing the old as if it didn't count.  These are the people who see a therapist and announce that they are not interested in looking at the past and want to focus only on the present and future.  They fail to recognize that we need closure on the past, a true appreciation of the life lessons we have garnered from our histories, before we can continue with a productive transition.  Refusing to look at the past is one way of allowing the past to continue to haunt us - and a condition which makes moving on very difficult.  A successful transition takes courage.

     Bridges has identified four stages of the ending process.

Disengagement: We need to make a break from the roles, activities, and settings of the former situation.  Until we have this break, we are prone to seeing the world in the old way, and this will make a successful transition difficult.  Disengagement does not necessarily mean leaving or moving - as long as one can psychologically disengage from a situation, one can gain the perspective to begin to define the old ways more objectively.

Disidentification: Not only do our activities change, but we begin to give up our former self-definitions.  A person in the so-called mid-life crisis, for example, needs to give up defining him- or herself as a "younger" person.  To do otherwise is to postpone the inevitable, to invite a perpetuation of inner conflict, and to forego the advantages of moving into a different stage of life.

Disenchantment: Once our situations and our former self-definitions change, we may wonder about what is real and what is not.  In a sense the world is made up of many levels of reality.  Our old lives helped us to create one way of looking at things - our old reality ("This relationship is for life", or "I'll always have this job", or "My health will last forever").  Disenchantment occurs when we are no longer under the spell of the old reality.  We question our assumptions and begin to see the world in new ways, to look at other levels of reality.  This opens the door to a healthy transition.

Disorientation: This is a stage of discomfort.  Our old situations, self-definitions, and views of reality have been challenged, and we are left confused, with the feeling that we have jumped into the void.  We get by everyday by whistling in the dark taking things a step at a time.  Things that we had thought were meaningful are no longer so.  In our society we tend to see things as constantly improving throughout our lives, but it may be more realistic to view things as they occur in the natural world - a series of expansions and contractions.  We gain and we lose.  Day becomes night - and then day again.  We need to empty our cupboards before we can fill them up again.

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This newsletter is intended to offer general information only and recognizes that individual issues may differ from these broad guidelines. Personal issues should be addressed within a therapeutic context with a professional familiar with the details of the problems.

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