(...Continued from Page #1)

?????Listening is more than passively remaining silent while the other person talks. It is the other half of an active collaborative process. The first level is attentive listening. In this mode we take the position that we are genuinely interested in the other person's point of view. We accept the fact that we have something to learn from the interaction. However, this level of listening has its limitations. Even though we are attentive, we still make assumptions about the message and we tend to fill in the gaps with whatever it is that we want to hear. At this level we don't check to see if what we have heard is what the speaker really meant to say.

?????The second, and more powerful, level is active listening (or reflective listening). This assumes that communication is truly a two-way process which involves giving feedback. Active listening requires that the listener paraphrase, clarify and give feedback.

• Paraphrasing is the most important element of good listening. When your partner says something of interest, you should restate in your own words what you heard your partner say. You can provide a lead-in, such as "What I'm hearing you say is that..." or "so if I'm correct, you are telling me that..." Paraphrasing allows us to correct misconceptions as they occur, gives us the chance to resist obstacles to good listening, keeps both you and your partner from becoming defensive or feeling misunderstood, and helps us to remember what was said.
• Clarifying provides more depth to the listening process than merely paraphrasing. Your purpose in clarifying is to ask questions about what the speaker is saying in a helpful and empathic way. "So how did you feel when I cut you off?" "What did you think when I said I didn't want to take that trip?" Clarifying does not involve belittling, manipulating or coercing your partner in any way. Its purpose is to tell the speaker that you are engaged in listening and want to know more about specific points.
• Giving Feedback involves providing your personal thoughts on what your partner has said, without succumbing to the obstacles to good listening. You calmly state your own opinions, thoughts and feelings. This gives your partner yet another chance to see if you got the message and to check out the accuracy of his or her communication. And perhaps your partner can gain a new or broader perspective on what was talked about.

?????Listening is a skill most of us never learned as a school subject. We assume that listening is something that comes naturally. Too often we listen for what we need to hear rather than to what the other person truly intends to say. Our inability to listen is often at the root of our interpersonal conflicts. Good relationships are characterized by good listening skills on the part of both partners. When we listen well to someone we not only show that person respect and care, but we show that we are open to the world around us.

?????Real listening is a skill that takes practice and an honest look into how you deal with the world. If you tend to take a distrustful or combative stance toward other people most of the time, it may be hard to engage in healthy and open listening. The same holds true if you need to please others or form dependent relationships with other people much of the time -- it becomes hard to truly hear what they are trying to say...and you will hear only what you need to hear.

?????Take a look at some of the common obstacles to active listening that typically interfere with healthy communication. Learn to recognize them when they are happening. And remember that obstacles can usually be removed!

Being Judgmental: When you have already made a negative judgment about someone, you will stop listening to what they have to say. You may listen only to gather evidence that supports your negative opinion of the other person. Unfortunately, if you are not able to listen to the totality of what the person is saying, you will stay locked into your negative opinion.

Rehearsing: Your mind actively creates your argument against the speaker's point of view as it is being presented. This implies that you have your own established opinions and that you are closed to what the other has to say.

?

(Continue...........)